Embracing Both/And Thinking: A Mindset for Resilience and Growth
By Dr. Devon Redmond, Modern Psychology
Life is full of contradictions. You can feel grateful for your family and overwhelmed by parenting. You can love your job and wish it were less stressful. You can be confident and experience self-doubt.
This is the heart of both/and thinking—an approach that helps us navigate life’s complexities without getting stuck in rigid “either/or” choices.
What Is Both/And Thinking?
Both/and thinking, sometimes called a paradox mindset, is the ability to hold two seemingly opposite truths at the same time. Instead of choosing one side and rejecting the other, you learn to make space for both.
Management scholar Marianne W. Lewis, Ph.D., has written extensively about paradoxes in leadership and decision-making. Her research shows that embracing paradox (rather than fighting it) can foster creativity, resilience, and better problem-solving. While her work often focuses on organizations, the principles apply beautifully to everyday life and personal growth.
Why Both/And Thinking Matters in Mental Health
When we think in “either/or” terms, we often set ourselves up for stress, disappointment, and shame:
“I should be strong (otherwise I’m weak).”
“Either I succeed or I’ve failed.”
“Either I’m able to be patient with my kids or I’m not cut out for parenting.”
This black-and-white thinking can make life feel harsh and limiting.
In therapy, I often encourage clients to practice both/and thinking as a way to build flexibility and self-compassion. For example:
“I’m strong and I need support sometimes.”
“I made a mistake and I’m still learning and growing.”
“I love my child deeply and I feel exhausted.”
By acknowledging both sides, you move away from perfectionism and toward a more realistic, balanced perspective.
Practical Ways to Practice Both/And Thinking
Here are a few strategies you can try:
Notice Absolutes – Pay attention when you use words like “always,” “never,” or “either/or.” These can be signs you’re stuck in rigid thinking.
Reframe with ‘And’ – When you catch yourself in an either/or trap, add “and” to your statement, or change a “but” to an “and.” For example, “I’m excited and nervous about this new job.”
Write It Out – Journaling can help you practice holding two truths at once. Write a sentence that captures both sides of what you’re experiencing.
Model It for Children – Kids benefit from seeing both/and thinking in action. For instance: “You’re upset about bedtime and we still need to rest so tomorrow feels good.”
Remember Growth Comes from Tension – As Marianne Lewis notes in her research, tension isn’t a problem to eliminate, it’s often the space where growth and creativity happen.
The Benefits of Both/And Thinking
Over time, both/and thinking can help you:
Reduce black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking patterns
Increase self-compassion and acceptance
Improve communication and relationships
Build resilience when life feels contradictory or uncertain
Final Thoughts
Life rarely fits into neat categories. Embracing both/and thinking allows you to hold complexity, honor your feelings, and grow through tension. As Marianne Lewis’s work highlights, paradox isn’t a flaw in the system, it’s a source of possibility.
If you find yourself feeling trapped in either/or thinking, therapy can be a supportive space to practice this mindset shift. Together, we can explore how to bring more flexibility, self-compassion, and balance into your daily life.
