Why Kids Lie, and What Parents Can Do About It

By Dr. Devon Redmond, Modern Psychology

Why Kids Lie (It’s Not Always What You Think)

Lying is actually a normal part of child development. Research by developmental psychologist Dr. Kang Lee shows that even preschoolers begin experimenting with lying around age three or four, not because they’re “bad,” but because they’re learning how thoughts, intentions, and consequences work. In other words, lying often reflects growing social and cognitive skills, not moral failure.

Here are some of the most common reasons kids lie:

1. To Avoid Trouble

Children often lie because they fear disappointing their parents or getting in trouble. If a child believes mistakes lead to punishment or shame, lying can feel safer than telling the truth. Sometimes a child lies in the hopes of buying some time so that they may be able to correct the mistake before you find out (“Yes, I already brushed my teeth”).

2. To Please or Impress

Some kids tell “tall tales” to win approval, claiming they scored the winning goal or did their homework early. These lies usually come from a desire to feel capable or valued, not from deceitfulness.

3. To Protect Feelings

As kids mature, they learn that truth can sometimes hurt. “I don’t like your drawing” quickly becomes “It’s beautiful!” These small fibs can actually show that empathy is developing, even if honesty still needs guidance.

4. To Assert Independence

Older kids and tweens sometimes lie as a way to claim control over their world: “I decide what I share.” It’s not rebellion so much as a growing need for autonomy and privacy.

What Parents Can Do When Kids Lie

When a child lies, it’s easy to feel frustrated, or even betrayed. But as Dr. Becky Kennedy explains in Good Inside, lying isn’t a sign that your child is “bad;” it’s a sign that they’re struggling with an internal conflict— often between wanting to meet your expectations and wanting to avoid disapproval or shame.

Instead of focusing only on the lie itself, it helps to ask yourself:

“What made my child feel like lying was the safest choice in that moment?”

Approaching lying through curiosity and connection doesn’t mean letting it slide; it means helping your child build the skills and emotional safety they need to be truthful.

Here’s how to do that effectively:

1. Stay Calm and Lead with Connection

When you discover a lie, your reaction sets the tone. Dr. Dan Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson, authors of The Whole-Brain Child and No-Drama Discipline, emphasize that a child’s brain literally can’t access logic or honesty when they feel threatened or shamed.
A calm, non-punitive response helps the “upstairs brain” (the part responsible for reflection, empathy, and honesty) come back online.

You might say:

“I know it’s hard to tell the truth sometimes. Let’s talk about what happened so we can figure it out together.”

This message tells your child: You’re safe with me, even when you make mistakes.

2. Focus on Skill-Building, Not Punishment

According to Dr. Russell Barkley’s research on self-regulation and behavior, lying is often a problem of skills, not willpower. Children don’t need harsher consequences, they need help managing impulses, tolerating discomfort, and anticipating outcomes.

Try exploring the situation together:

“Next time you’re worried about getting in trouble, what could you do instead of lying?”

Then brainstorm options together. This transforms lying from a moral issue into a learning opportunity, helping your child develop the executive function skills that support honesty.

3. Reduce the Fear That Fuels Dishonesty

Kids lie most when they feel unsafe telling the truth. If mistakes always lead to punishment, lying becomes a self-protection strategy. Dr. Becky Kennedy reminds parents that behavior is communication—so a lie might be saying, “I was scared.”

When your child admits the truth, respond with empathy:

“Thank you for telling me. I know that wasn’t easy.”

Reassuring your child that honesty leads to problem-solving, not punishment, builds long-term trust and teaches them that truth and safety can coexist.

4. Praise Honesty in the Moment

Notice and name truth-telling, even in small ways.

“I really appreciate that you told me what happened, even though it was hard. That shows honesty and bravery.”

Siegel and Bryson emphasize that naming positive behaviors helps reinforce neural pathways associated with self-regulation and honesty. Over time, children begin to internalize these values as part of who they are, not just what they’re told to do.

5. Keep Perspective

Remember: lying is a developmental behavior, not a character flaw. It takes maturity, emotional regulation, and trust to tell the truth, especially when the stakes feel high.
By staying steady, curious, and compassionate, you’re helping your child build all three.

When kids feel safe enough to be honest, they learn that the truth doesn’t break connection—it strengthens it.

When Lying Becomes a Pattern

Occasional lying is normal. But if lying becomes frequent, elaborate, or seems tied to deeper struggles (like anxiety, perfectionism, or ADHD-related impulsivity), it may help to talk with a child psychologist.

Therapy can support both children and parents in understanding the emotions behind dishonesty, improving self-regulation, and creating a family environment where honesty feels safe.

The Takeaway

Lying isn’t about defiance; it’s communication.
When parents respond with calm curiosity and connection, they help children learn that honesty and love can coexist.

If you’re concerned about your child’s lying or emotional behavior, a child psychologist can help you understand what’s driving it and strengthen your child’s ability to handle truth, accountability, and trust with confidence.